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Tools Defined

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  • Tools Defined

    Tools and their real use

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which
    you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light.
    Also removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    ''What the...??''

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    Sometimes used in the creation of

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
    of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire.
    Also handy for igniting the grease inside
    the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
    firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
    off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
    drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
    possible future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
    cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
    the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
    outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
    and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
    your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
    Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
    Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
    on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
    collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
    Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
    while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs.
    It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    | 10AE-T | BEGi S4 | GT2560r | Enthuza | 6UL | MS3Pro PNP|
    | 2001 Track Rat | Enthuza | Jenvey | MS3Pro PNP | Exocet in Progress|
    | 1992 323 | Wrong-wheel-drive Miata Endurance Racecar|

  • #2
    RE: Tools Defined

    Damn that just make me laugh so hard.
    1988 323 GTX--- The toy now :D
    2008 Mazdaspeed 3::SOLD ----- 1991 BRG NA8 Swap, Turbo::SOLD


    • #3
      RE: Tools Defined

      Love it...Is that a Peter Egan bit?


      • #4
        RE: Tools Defined

        old as hell, but still rings true
        Atlanta Region SCCA
        D Prepared Miata


        • #5
          RE: Tools Defined

          Yeah definitely not original, but it's funny cuz it's true on every count except for the DAMMIT tool. I got a more modern **** tool instead.

          | 10AE-T | BEGi S4 | GT2560r | Enthuza | 6UL | MS3Pro PNP|
          | 2001 Track Rat | Enthuza | Jenvey | MS3Pro PNP | Exocet in Progress|
          | 1992 323 | Wrong-wheel-drive Miata Endurance Racecar|


          • #6
            RE: Tools Defined

            i just died LOLing.

            thank you.
            DIE WHITE GIRLS


            • #7
              RE: Tools Defined

              Yeah... after damaging my Dammit tool I upgraded to a **** & bought two **** tools "just in case"

              It is indeed credited to Egan of Road & Track Magazine. I remember a bit he wrote when I was building my first car (69 Triumph GT6) that made me feel like he had been spying on me while I worked . A bit about banging your forehead on something sharp under a car and reflexively smashing the back of your head on the garage floor. Repeated until you lost consciouness

              Here are a few more

              ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: (Also known as one-size-fits-none wrench) Used to strip bolt heads. Also functions as impromptu hammer (see Hammer).

              TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters after using the EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2x4.

              PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to give you a hand after you have removed your wood splinter.

              SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically an overpriced tool, useful only for spreading mayonnaise on your sandwich; but used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boots/shoes.

              TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

              BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

              BATTERY CHARGER: Used to charge your dead battery, or at least give you false hope that you won't have to spend $50+ on a new battery. Which is usually what happens anyway.

              BATTERY JUMPER CABLES: A portable version of the battery charger. These work on the premise that some stranger will be in the same parking lot in the middle of the night, and will allow you to connect them to his/her vehicle. These will usually lie in your car trunk, in a tangled mess, until you need them at which time you will realize you just took them out a few days ago, when you cleaned your car. Now you must hope that the same stranger has a set. Good Luck!

              TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

              WARNING: This light is the main cause of burns to the hands and head when working on vehicles.

              FLASH LIGHT: A portable version of the trouble light, guaranteed to consume space in your glove compartment and have dead batteries when you need it. Should you find one with good batteries, it will produce just enough light that you still can't see what the heck your doing.

              AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago, rounding or breaking them off.

              MIG WELDER: A tool used for making the bumper that you saw but didn't want to pay for. Usually leads to purchasing more tools to accomplish a task. Used extensively to pacify the neighbors that need something welded. Letters to the homeowners association stop after you repair that broken gate.

              RATCHET: When fitted with the correct size socket, this tool is designed to tighten and loosen bolts and nuts. It is designed to never fit and work in any engine compartment of a vehicle built after the mid 1980's. Should you have room to work with this tool, they are designed with a "missing tooth" feature. If any real force is applied the ratchets gears will slip, allowing your hand to hit the sharpest or hottest object near-by.

              SOCKET: This tool is used with a ratchet to loosen or tighten bolts.. However the size you will need is always the one that is missing.


              • #8
                RE: Tools Defined

                Old, but great and true. I always laugh at these.

                Originally posted by miata5620
                Eric's Garage ... You buy all the parts I tell you to and you will have a killer car... If you want other parts used your car will suck and it will cost you more...


                • #9
                  RE: Tools Defined

                  OPEN END OR BOX WRENCH : A tool used to loosening bolts in those hard-to-reach areas, but often machined just a bit larger than the nut you're loosening so when you reach maximum torque capacity it slips and becomes the Knucle Buster.

                  ADJUSTABLE PLIARS : Just as the name implies- evertime you put it on a nut or bolt you'll need to adjust it... even it's the same bolt or nut you just loosened.

                  VISE-GRIP PLIARS: Upon rounding a bolt with regular pliars, the vise-gips are used to get that extra clamping force. But once you get them tight enough to actually hold onto a rounded bolt, you have to attempt releasing them, which usually ends in them flying off somewhere and whacking your hands.

                  IMPACT GUN: A gun shaped device that will turn your sockets into useless paper weights. In the case it doesn't, it will strip a bolt/stud faster then you can blink an eye. But when not in use, it makes cool race car noises and will make you think you're part of you're favorite NASCAR team.

                  AIR COMPRESSOR: A simple and noise device used to run water through all other air powered tools..effectively making them water-powered tools.

                  TAPE MEASURE: This little guy spits out a metal tongue that is often used as entertainment to see how long you can make it without it going limp. You can extend multiple tape measures next to eachother and take bets on which one will retract the fastest when there is nothing else to do.

                  WD40: Well think we know what it does. But you're wrong. Typically applied before attempting to work on something with too much rust, but in fact it causes a placebo effect and makes you think you're making things easy when in fact, it's still just as hard. Also good for spraying into fire and making hotair baloon noises.

                  NEEDLE NOSE PLIARS: These mechanic-grade surgical grade tools are often used to remove splinters from hands as the tips are never quite as smallas you'd like them to be. Also good for causing blood blisters.